I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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