I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Dear god my vagina.
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