the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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