I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
