so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like getting head from an anaconda
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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