What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
