4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
