I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
