Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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