I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
