I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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