if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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