Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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