I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
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she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
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Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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