Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
