Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
