I wish life had little blips of pornography
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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