I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
