Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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