Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
