she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
