Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
