I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
