My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
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Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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