fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
