I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
