there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I deserve this hangover.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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