Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
