today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
