I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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