Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
