today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
