is your mom at the bar?
So drunk its hurt
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
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