My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Randomize
