Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
