went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
they need to just BURY HIM!
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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