He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
