Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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