just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
it was like eating out sand paper
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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