Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
