I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
one might say we're banned from that church
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
