True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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