I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
