I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
