I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
