If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
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