girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
