I'd wear matching sweaters with you
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
