He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
