Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
