I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
