possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
