Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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