I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
