sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Still dying that you shit outside
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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