So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
