okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
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I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
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The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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