You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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