did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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