I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
